I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
