smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
