Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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