i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
