It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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