I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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