is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
