Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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