im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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