You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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