I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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