Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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