So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
