already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
