I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
