It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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