His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
you had me at cake vodka
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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