I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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