she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
