I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
