hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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