I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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