my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
