A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
