His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
