highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
