Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
