Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
