this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
