My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My dick has a subreddit
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
