I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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