so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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