you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
