I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
