I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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