Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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