Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
