also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
