he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
