I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
farters have to be the big spoon...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
