Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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