I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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