You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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