before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
