I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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