guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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