So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
