i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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