then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
