my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
