Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
